As an Ex-evangelical, l think l get what you're saying in this post -- l struggled mightily after l left the church (l was born and raised in it and didn't leave until my divorce at age 34). There's something comforting about black and white thinking that tells you what to do, that makes it clear that "i'm right and others are wrong." Although my Evangelical marriage made me ill and i had to leave, really as a way to save my life, my life after that wasn't easy -- i found it complex and difficult to make decisions on my own, to individuate, start over and attempt to find my own moral compass, to figure things out for myself. l wrote a character into a novel once who looks back on what seems to her, the clarity and simplicity, the "known-ness" of her old friends' lives who HADN'T left the church, and mourns for that in a way.
l will say that eventually, in the last few years (I'm now in my early 60's), l have found a middle path -- a belief in spirituality that is in no way connected to organized religion, that has brought me great joy.
l personally think organized religion is trying to touch on a true thing -- that humans are spiritual beings -- but unfortunately, religion ties that up with oppression and fear and judgment in a way that (again, in my opinion) brings great harm. Spirituality, the touching of the divine within myself and others that has become readily available to me in recent years, is purely about love and hope.
All of that makes a tremendous amount of sense to me. I think religion appeals to me because it tells you what to do—the evangelical podcast is so certain in its determination of this that I almost feel like the host provides something like a daily schedule of what to do and think—and spirituality, which is what feels more natural and closer to my actual way of belief, is less about rules (& as you said, is often about love and hope). Which does not necessarily provide the appeal to me of What to Do and Think, but *does* tend to avoid the awful parts of organized religion.
l do feel like now l still get guidance from some spiritual source, but it's all about me being my individual best self, rather than serving a punitive God (who in Evangelical thinking, may send me to hell) or the tenets of religion that are outside me. This is a big topic, but you know when you feel an instinctive nudge to say hi to someone or to send someone a text - l think those loving instincts are our "higher selves" within us that do help steer us in the direction we need to go. I personally spend time every morning (or try to - that's my goal) sitting in the quiet and asking for words or images of guidance for that day. I write them down or sometimes just let them come into my mind. I'm not saying this is the answer for everyone, but it's helpful for me. Doing that has helped me develop a feeling of trust in myself and in the belief that (as mentioned before) there is more to life than what we can see or touch.
Anyway, thanks for bringing up this great topic.❤️
I can so identify with this Constance. I didn't leave a marriage, but I can certainly say that leaving the church allowed me to live, to have a life that was my own. I also have found a great deal of joy in a "middle path" as you say. Thank you!
In case you're interested in my serialized memoir about my former life as an Evangelical - for some reason my posts don't show under my name - only under the title "State of Wonder."
I've been going to the same white-majority conservative-leaning church for most of my existence, and I've resented it since I was in middle school, shortly after I figured out that I was queer. I've almost always felt ostracized from the community that I see others--both those my age and older--have found in that church. But my ex-religion (if it can be considered that) still affects me in ways I probably don't understand. I'm still very cynical about Christianity, but that phrase about religion aiming a life's arrow--that resonated. I feel jealous of people who hadn't had religion forced upon them, though at the same time, I appropriate religious imagery into my writing--for no better reason than that I feel I might as well get something out of 18 years of wasted Sundays. In the US, it kinda feels like being a Christian makes you an "insider" in a lot of things: literature, especially classic western literature, being just one example. I've always taken my religious background for granted; I've always taken my "insider" status for granted, even if I've always felt like an outsider on the inside. This is a long rambling way to say: even as someone who could be considered an exvangelical, I get it.
I have also been, from a young age, very fascinated by religion and jealous of people who grew up in religion. Currently I am getting more involved in Quakerism, and since about age eleven I have also been strongly influenced by Buddhism and Daoism. I have often thought that if I had grown up in a religion, I would either have become very devout and/or strongly rebel from the religion. Spiritual matters are that important to me. So having not grown up in a religion, I have become a spiritually oriented artist and Seeker.
I read your piece—so interesting, the link between your bipolar and your interest in religion. (I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type.) I also think sometimes that my brain is so unruly that I crave the structure of religion.
This was insightful. I am sorry to hear about your grandmother's stroke. I know all too well about those with my dad being a stroke survivor. The thing that I have learned about faith is that religion is about ritual and can get legalistic if you are not careful. I am learning to pursue a relationship with God. The rules provide boundaries that God issues out of love to protect us. But some people get nitpicky and that makes their lives miserable. In the bible, it talks about how some people have stronger convictions than others. This is not a reason to condemn another believer or be prideful. You just have to make a personal decision about what you will and won't do. For instance, some people don't eat certain foods or don't wear certain clothes. But that doesn't mean you have to live that way. Hope this makes sense.
I hope my eyes aren't wrong, the snapshot from the drama was from Da Ai TV, wasn't it? I came from Indonesia, a South East Asian country with the largest Muslim population in the world, but acknowledge 6 religions in the nation (Islam, Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, Buddhism, and Khonghucu/Confucian). I myself am Catholic, but grew up getting exposed to the names of the holidays of different religions. Da Ai TV shows were aired on one of the free cables you could get if you have this TV antenna. I remember when staying in my relatives' house, they're Protestants, but the grandma there enjoyed watching the drama from Da Ai with subtitles.
(I'm sorry I don't have any meaningful notes to comment on your post other than this snippet of experience)
Yes!!!! The miniseries was. on Da Ai TV. That's so amazing that Da Ai was on your free cable. I wonder if your grandma ever saw the show about my grandma???
I wasn't familiar with the show specific to your grandma, as the grandma of my relative (not mine) watched different shows. I remember scenes like the dynamics of a marriage, selling clothes in a night market, etc but maybe not the show you mentioned.
Thank you, Esme. I finally left "the church" about 12 years ago, but I'd really been slowly slipping out the backdoor for years. It was a house without enough windows, a pair of pants that had grown too tight. For several years after, I felt as if I'd let go of a ledge and now was perpetually falling with no markers or road map, just an abyss that didn't seem to end. I haven't stopped falling. I'm just a lot more comfortable with it and a lot happier (this does not mean that I don't have daily existential crises, but then, I've always had those). Generally, what makes me happier is the options. I have so many now that I don't have to try to squeeze inside a particularly theology. I can pick and choose, ponder, reject, accept, then do it all over again. Yes, this can be unsettling, and I have grief and anger over the church and its influence on my life. But I also have more space to breathe and be.
I am a deeply religious person and I’ve found I’ve made strong friendships with an agnostic an atheist and generally indifferent people. It’s made my life much richer living with a Catholic in college or attending the baptism of a friend’s child, even in the middle of Ramadan when I couldn’t eat at the Italian restaurant afterwards. I’ve lost touch with the atheist. I love the structure of your essay and the gentle way you approached religion.
This is interesting to think about…for me, as time goes on, faith is more and more about joining the flow of love and goodness in the world, which, for me, is called God. I don’t think God is very interested in rules, or in doling out goodies to people. (Darn it!)
As an Ex-evangelical, l think l get what you're saying in this post -- l struggled mightily after l left the church (l was born and raised in it and didn't leave until my divorce at age 34). There's something comforting about black and white thinking that tells you what to do, that makes it clear that "i'm right and others are wrong." Although my Evangelical marriage made me ill and i had to leave, really as a way to save my life, my life after that wasn't easy -- i found it complex and difficult to make decisions on my own, to individuate, start over and attempt to find my own moral compass, to figure things out for myself. l wrote a character into a novel once who looks back on what seems to her, the clarity and simplicity, the "known-ness" of her old friends' lives who HADN'T left the church, and mourns for that in a way.
l will say that eventually, in the last few years (I'm now in my early 60's), l have found a middle path -- a belief in spirituality that is in no way connected to organized religion, that has brought me great joy.
l personally think organized religion is trying to touch on a true thing -- that humans are spiritual beings -- but unfortunately, religion ties that up with oppression and fear and judgment in a way that (again, in my opinion) brings great harm. Spirituality, the touching of the divine within myself and others that has become readily available to me in recent years, is purely about love and hope.
All of that makes a tremendous amount of sense to me. I think religion appeals to me because it tells you what to do—the evangelical podcast is so certain in its determination of this that I almost feel like the host provides something like a daily schedule of what to do and think—and spirituality, which is what feels more natural and closer to my actual way of belief, is less about rules (& as you said, is often about love and hope). Which does not necessarily provide the appeal to me of What to Do and Think, but *does* tend to avoid the awful parts of organized religion.
l do feel like now l still get guidance from some spiritual source, but it's all about me being my individual best self, rather than serving a punitive God (who in Evangelical thinking, may send me to hell) or the tenets of religion that are outside me. This is a big topic, but you know when you feel an instinctive nudge to say hi to someone or to send someone a text - l think those loving instincts are our "higher selves" within us that do help steer us in the direction we need to go. I personally spend time every morning (or try to - that's my goal) sitting in the quiet and asking for words or images of guidance for that day. I write them down or sometimes just let them come into my mind. I'm not saying this is the answer for everyone, but it's helpful for me. Doing that has helped me develop a feeling of trust in myself and in the belief that (as mentioned before) there is more to life than what we can see or touch.
Anyway, thanks for bringing up this great topic.❤️
I can so identify with this Constance. I didn't leave a marriage, but I can certainly say that leaving the church allowed me to live, to have a life that was my own. I also have found a great deal of joy in a "middle path" as you say. Thank you!
In case you're interested in my serialized memoir about my former life as an Evangelical - for some reason my posts don't show under my name - only under the title "State of Wonder."
Thanks Constance! I’ll check it out. Love the title.
I've been going to the same white-majority conservative-leaning church for most of my existence, and I've resented it since I was in middle school, shortly after I figured out that I was queer. I've almost always felt ostracized from the community that I see others--both those my age and older--have found in that church. But my ex-religion (if it can be considered that) still affects me in ways I probably don't understand. I'm still very cynical about Christianity, but that phrase about religion aiming a life's arrow--that resonated. I feel jealous of people who hadn't had religion forced upon them, though at the same time, I appropriate religious imagery into my writing--for no better reason than that I feel I might as well get something out of 18 years of wasted Sundays. In the US, it kinda feels like being a Christian makes you an "insider" in a lot of things: literature, especially classic western literature, being just one example. I've always taken my religious background for granted; I've always taken my "insider" status for granted, even if I've always felt like an outsider on the inside. This is a long rambling way to say: even as someone who could be considered an exvangelical, I get it.
What a great point: being literate in Biblical texts gives you a secret key to SO MUCH literature and art. I lack that.
I have also been, from a young age, very fascinated by religion and jealous of people who grew up in religion. Currently I am getting more involved in Quakerism, and since about age eleven I have also been strongly influenced by Buddhism and Daoism. I have often thought that if I had grown up in a religion, I would either have become very devout and/or strongly rebel from the religion. Spiritual matters are that important to me. So having not grown up in a religion, I have become a spiritually oriented artist and Seeker.
You might be interested in reading my recent post about my father’s family religion, which died out due to Chinese Communism: https://marginalnotes.substack.com/p/the-legend-of-yuliang
I read your piece—so interesting, the link between your bipolar and your interest in religion. (I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type.) I also think sometimes that my brain is so unruly that I crave the structure of religion.
This was insightful. I am sorry to hear about your grandmother's stroke. I know all too well about those with my dad being a stroke survivor. The thing that I have learned about faith is that religion is about ritual and can get legalistic if you are not careful. I am learning to pursue a relationship with God. The rules provide boundaries that God issues out of love to protect us. But some people get nitpicky and that makes their lives miserable. In the bible, it talks about how some people have stronger convictions than others. This is not a reason to condemn another believer or be prideful. You just have to make a personal decision about what you will and won't do. For instance, some people don't eat certain foods or don't wear certain clothes. But that doesn't mean you have to live that way. Hope this makes sense.
I hope my eyes aren't wrong, the snapshot from the drama was from Da Ai TV, wasn't it? I came from Indonesia, a South East Asian country with the largest Muslim population in the world, but acknowledge 6 religions in the nation (Islam, Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, Buddhism, and Khonghucu/Confucian). I myself am Catholic, but grew up getting exposed to the names of the holidays of different religions. Da Ai TV shows were aired on one of the free cables you could get if you have this TV antenna. I remember when staying in my relatives' house, they're Protestants, but the grandma there enjoyed watching the drama from Da Ai with subtitles.
(I'm sorry I don't have any meaningful notes to comment on your post other than this snippet of experience)
Yes!!!! The miniseries was. on Da Ai TV. That's so amazing that Da Ai was on your free cable. I wonder if your grandma ever saw the show about my grandma???
I wasn't familiar with the show specific to your grandma, as the grandma of my relative (not mine) watched different shows. I remember scenes like the dynamics of a marriage, selling clothes in a night market, etc but maybe not the show you mentioned.
This is a vulnerable post, and I really appreciate your sharing.
Thank you for reading ♡
Thank you, Esme. I finally left "the church" about 12 years ago, but I'd really been slowly slipping out the backdoor for years. It was a house without enough windows, a pair of pants that had grown too tight. For several years after, I felt as if I'd let go of a ledge and now was perpetually falling with no markers or road map, just an abyss that didn't seem to end. I haven't stopped falling. I'm just a lot more comfortable with it and a lot happier (this does not mean that I don't have daily existential crises, but then, I've always had those). Generally, what makes me happier is the options. I have so many now that I don't have to try to squeeze inside a particularly theology. I can pick and choose, ponder, reject, accept, then do it all over again. Yes, this can be unsettling, and I have grief and anger over the church and its influence on my life. But I also have more space to breathe and be.
I applaud you for this post. People should be permitted curiosity to explore and discover faith in their own way. There are many paths to inquiry.
(More on that here…https://open.substack.com/pub/longuistics/p/out-here-collecting-dust-the-surprising?r=mxplk&utm_medium=ios)
I am a deeply religious person and I’ve found I’ve made strong friendships with an agnostic an atheist and generally indifferent people. It’s made my life much richer living with a Catholic in college or attending the baptism of a friend’s child, even in the middle of Ramadan when I couldn’t eat at the Italian restaurant afterwards. I’ve lost touch with the atheist. I love the structure of your essay and the gentle way you approached religion.
This is interesting to think about…for me, as time goes on, faith is more and more about joining the flow of love and goodness in the world, which, for me, is called God. I don’t think God is very interested in rules, or in doling out goodies to people. (Darn it!)
Thanks for sharing this meditation with us.